There are a lot of things I like; and there are a lot of things I hate, like the way my hair looks when I get out of bed.

I like;
1)Pancakes, hot brown ones
2)Waffles with chocolate syrup and cream
3)Flying pigs (They are NOT a myth) (Just look behind you)
4) Money
5)Happy,crappy, half-silly people (My species. We're called silly-sapiens)
6)People who generously give out gum
7)Friendly Dragons
8) Talking Squirrels
9) Talking Pencils
10) Fast, nice, shiny cars

Things I loathe;
1)Loam
2)Stephanie Meyer
3)Books with senseless plotlines
4)Noses
5)The evil laughter
6)Bitches who like drama
7)Bitches with no life
8)Bitches who spread senseless rumors
9)Spoilt, richass bithches
10) Bitches in general, all kinds

In fact, if you are someone who enjoys dividing nice, friendly and awesome groups of people into cliques and creating gaping holes of suspicion and rumors and tarnished reputations - then YOU ARE MY MORTAL ENEMY. I hope you get mauled to death by turtles and snails with toothpicks (-  mainly because this would be an incredibly pathetic way tp die. Plus, the mauling would take place over a long period time so it would make up for the tears of misery and frustration you are responsible for)

So, I present to you, the guide to dealing with Bitches the world would be cleaner and greener without.

1) Think of perfectly roasted marshmallows when they try to insult you. Marshmallows are tasty and filled with love. Bitches are nasty and filled with crushed snails. Which would you rather think of?

2)When they taunt you , treat them like they are invisible and insignificant. They/he/she does not exist around you. Bitches are monsters who feed on misery so if you make them miserable enough,they will consume themselves, starved of food (misery) and thus self-destruct. Get a bowl of popcorn and watch with a hint of an evil smile playing on your lips.

3)If she/he/they take away your friend, do something completely off the hook and awesome and get new friends.
Off the hook and awesome would be;
starting a revolution, making as many people around you laugh as possible and end enjoy being around you, appearing all over the newspaper for doing something incredible. Also, be really really cute, look awesome and ingnorant when they are  around.

4) Donot, i repeat, do not go into direct combat with them unless they/he/she starts it in public view.
Unfortunately, bitches are sneaky rat-baboons - they sneak around, spread stuff and pretend to be all nice and in control.
Just flip your hair and forget. Do you have a goal, do be a good singer? To be the next president? To be the next best athlete? To get into a good university/college? To be next best pancake?

Work towards that. ( The last one is impossible by the way) That *ahem*'s just a miserable, worthless distraction. Mentally stuff her into a dusbin full of rats and forget.

5) Never beg for them to stop. It will only make them feel powerful. they are sadistic bullies after all. They don't have  heart. Don't care about them. Don't help them. Don't listen to them. Don't give them the time of your day.
By the end of this post, forget that they even existed.

6)As corny as it sounds, believe in yourself. Bitches have psychological disorders, they'll eventually go mad.
Its only a matter of time.

7)Look behind you. No, I'm serious this time. Really. Take a good look. Bitches have a habit of stalking you.
Facebook- don't make sly references to them
Twitter- Lock it. It's supposed to be private
Tumblr- Don't write sad sad things about your life there
Blogs - Really now? Shutup

8) Be nice to people. They will have less reasons to turn against you when the bitch comes along.
Be funny. You will always get through life's worst storms just fine if you have a good sense of humor.

9)On your worst days, have a dart board, a picture of the moron/morons, a boxing glove, a dummy and yourself handy.
A bag of marshmallows and an Easy A VCD would be helpful as well.

10) Blink. Forget. Move on. Always look your best. And if you're really good at politics, use it to kill her slowly out of those seats of power.

Always remember, "Keep Calm and Grow a Mustache."

XOXO,
The pancake

Labels: Floating Levitating Newton Flying Batman Problems Guide Crap, Hair, Hate, Snails, Talking Pencils