Have you ever watched those dumb (okay not so dumb) movies where people just randomly start floating? Sat in your room hours at end chanting "Light as feather, stiff as a board."? Tried on wings made of wood and feathers from a feather duster? Jumped so much you snapped a few muscles and finally just settled for a good fashioned old trampoline? "Floating people are so not awesome anyway. Who needs to float anyway. Its not cool, just look at Batman, he swings. Look at Tarzan he acts like a total ape and swings. Swinging is more fun anyway." We all know what you actually think.


I have the answers to your sad little problem. Get ready to knock birds out of the sky, get that little sucker that poo-pooed on your laundry and shout "Yo sucker!" to Newton (gravity's a conspiration)

I present to you THE GUIDE TO LEVITATING YOURSELF

1) Eat a pancake because they are awesome, they'll make you feel light and floaty. DO NOT for example, eat something else instead like a banana instead - that may result in you sprouting a long brown tail.

2) Say you're floating to everyone you meet then subsequently slap yourself.

3) Spin round and round, like a crazy top that's on caffeine rush, really really fast. Then immediately climb down the staircase.

4) Talk to a marshmallow eating an elf, you can find them in Katy Perry's pocket. Go look, really.

5) Finally smash your face into a pie.

Because, you, my friend are a delusional idiot. You cannot float, people can't float. Your silly attempts have only made Newton raise an eyebrow in his coffin.

Labels: Floating Levitating Newton Flying Batman Problems Guide Crap